I want to be an artist...

I just watched this youtube video www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxSuQIWCtXY and realized that I felt something while I watched... I felt something inside me jump and giggle... and it felt good, warm, bubbly, juicy... I need to find a way to get what's inside of me out and make it something productive...
I want to be an artist... not the kind that everyone knows, not the kind that everyone see's, but the kind that really affect and effects people. I want to be the kind of artist that believes in what I do... I want things for myself and feel mediocre at times because to me it seems like anyone can do what I do. I always hear about teaching be an art, or even speaking eloquently being an art... I know it... but I don't feel it or believe it for myself.
I think (strike that) I know that I am good at what I do, I can reach kids, and speak to them in a way some other teachers cannot fathom. I know that I am a good person, that I see things differently than other people... most other people... I just don't think I have an outlet for me...
Something that will make it easier to see me the way God see's me... or even the way other people see me. I wish I had those goggles... the ones that let you see yourself, your true self... the self that you think no one else notices but it is who you are. I know I'm in this body somewhere, I just need an outlet... something to get what is inside out. Something that makes it easier to get this overflowing, boiling sap of myself poured onto or into another vase like temple. I need to plug myself in... delete... and reload new stuff...

Ever feel like you have so much more to give than you have been giving? That is where I am now... feeling like there is something that I am supposed to be doing and not really getting into the motion... maybe not walking through a door, or not motivating myself to the next level... the next step.
I have never been at a place like this before... and I feel like if I was an artist... a true artist then I would have an outlet; I would have something that would empty me... scrape the sides of the thick batter of myself out and prepare for something new.

just some private, public thoughts
xoxo
Lulu ;)

Interesting thing about relationships...

Lately I have been thinking about the relationships between people... all kinds of relationships: between friends, siblings, husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, and I think that I have come to some conclusion about them...
One thing is for sure that relationships all seem to be very fluid... people seem to think that there are rules that have to be followed when it comes to relationships, but I don't believe that. Everyone is different and every relationship is different... obviously there are those relationships that are hard to define because of the mix of emotion that can get involved, but in the end every relationship has it's basic foundation... two people who care for and respect each other. The caring and respect can be so complex and have so many different levels that I'd like to believe the possibilities are infinite.

I was having a conversation with someone recently and remember saying to this person that relationships are fluid, people hold the containers that they want their relationship to be and as a result make the boundaries for themselves. Since relationships are fluid they change, grow, move, and manuever, and its all ok. I think that once you are ok with how things are moving, once a person says out loud that they are comfortable with what is happening with their friends, husbands, wives or siblings that everything else just moves along with your inner growth. There are no rules unless you make them. There is no cookie cutter for what a real relationship is supposed to look like or be. I think that if people were to pay more attention to themselves and their own actions that the affect on others would be so much greater. Thinking about what you do and how you do it definitely changes you. I speak from experience with that.

A relationship with God is the most important relationship that anyone could have, in my humble opinion, and I would never attempt to put a boundary on that so why attempt to have rules for what we think we should be feeling, or doing?... unless of course what we are doing is deliberately harming someone else.

Just some thoughts... they are probably all scrambled and I'll have to reread just to make sense of myself but I think I got everything I wanted to say down...

xoxo
Lulu ;)

So a kid says to me...

Miss, why don't you like anyone or want anyone to touch you? and I reply what do you mean? and he says you don't like students to hug you or touch you in any way... in fact you avoid touch at all costs... and I say "that's the way it has to be, look at all of the stories of teachers who are accused and sometimes wrongfully, of touching students inappropriately. Or teachers who actually end up having relationships with their students? what the hell is that about? and I don't want to be accused of anything like that so I don't want to be touched at all."

Isn't it sad that we have come to this in our world? Touching is probably one of the most healing experiences that anyone can have, and we as educators cannot afford to be affectionate with kids because of the society we live in. It's terrible that we have come to an era where students and teachers have to be extra careful about the relationships that are built. I am careful about the conversations that students want to have, about who speaks to me where, and when, I am even careful about emails that are sent between students and myself. I hate that we have come to a place where students, who spend most of their day with teachers, cannot confide or build on relationships in anyway besides grading papers and reading books.

Sometimes kids have issues that need a little TLC and we can't give that to them, which is incredibly sad... just thought about how weird I probably look leaning away from someone that I am afraid will brush up on me in some way LOL... ah well ce la vie... can't do anything about the way humanity has developed. Just thought that maybe if I said it aloud I would be able to organize a way to make it a little better.

Lets keep hoping
xoxo
Lulu ;)

All in a days WTF!?

Coming out of work today my coworkers and myself were walking in the direction of the train... on the way we stop at the crosswalk and wait for the safest time to cross and there is a strange man waiting on the corner... he is skeptical looking because of the random paper back that he was carrying and the fact that it is 30 degrees in NY and he has his raggedy brown leather jacket open. He turns to us as we are chattering away, waiting for the crosswalk to give us permission to cross, and says are "youse guys teachers?"
we all say yes simultaneously... then "All of youse?" again the reply is yes... from that stand point he starts asking us where we are from, where we live, do we know who he is?

And of course there is always one person at work who engages the crazies... so my friend decides that she will start answering his questions...

He starts talking about all of the neighborhoods that she mentions and says that her neighborhood used to be all italian, that Spanish Harlem at one point was all italian, that towns and cities and neighborhoods all over the world were built on the blood money from the I-talian Mafia... and that he would know... then again asks "Do youse know who I am?"

Without waiting for a reply he continues to talk about Brooklyn and how my friends' neighborhood was all "Caribbean" then asked her four times if she was in fact Caribbean (even though her answered remained NO all four times)... then started to talk about how the I-talian mafia made a deal with the police in the 1960's to sell drugs in Harlem, and the cops ok'd it as long as it stayed in the black communities... then ranted about how it OF COURSE spilled into the white communities... and then back to Brooklyn with Spike Lee... and how he is the only "black panther, I mean black family living in his neighborhood"

WTF... this is what happens at the end of a day! WHOO too much... first crazy kids then crazy adults and now crazy strangers... all in a days work I guess...SMH

xoxo
Lulu

I miss you...

Losing my mind...
Lost in my storm of sadness
Swamping through the stir of emotion
Tears like rain wash through me, hot and sticky
But crying doesn't help, doesn't empty me
Blankets of sorrow keep me warm
In my shiver of despair...
cries, howling cries from the broken sharded pieces of my soul
Those cries... they keep me company, like long lost friends with their arms around my neck... holding on... they keep me focused
Remembering why I'm here
Why you're there
Why it's not fair
Stuck feeling this and wanting to
because
If this is it
If this pain is all I have left
The only thing I have left
I'll gladly take my pieces
My portion of destruction
Gladly...
Sadly...

The title of my Blog

Hello all!! SO I have decided that I have a lot to say, like many NYC public school teachers and for the most part I feel like it's more ranting than anything else, so I figured that maybe I should enter the world of blogging.
Number one, the title of my blog is a dedication to my beloved father. He was a wonderful, beautiful, spirit filled man who loved his family and showed his love in very interesting ways. One of the many ways that he would show his appreciation, particularly to his children was that he would make up names for us (other than our given names of course). So when he looked at me on the fateful day; with my hair jet black and pointed little nose, bangs over my eyes and inquisitive nature, he decided that he would name me Lulu after the cartoon character from the 1930's... At first I had an incredible aversion to this name, as it was something that I had never heard before, it was weird and felt like it was invading my personality. But after a while it was something that grew on me and now, after he has passed, it is something that I embrace as a memory that I want to live through over and over...

I am hoping to share inspirational thoughts and ideas on this blog, and I am hoping to reach people that may feel the way I feel or think the way I think but can't quite put it into words...

Take care
peace love and God Bless <3

xoxo
Lulu ;)