I want to be an artist...

I just watched this youtube video www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxSuQIWCtXY and realized that I felt something while I watched... I felt something inside me jump and giggle... and it felt good, warm, bubbly, juicy... I need to find a way to get what's inside of me out and make it something productive...
I want to be an artist... not the kind that everyone knows, not the kind that everyone see's, but the kind that really affect and effects people. I want to be the kind of artist that believes in what I do... I want things for myself and feel mediocre at times because to me it seems like anyone can do what I do. I always hear about teaching be an art, or even speaking eloquently being an art... I know it... but I don't feel it or believe it for myself.
I think (strike that) I know that I am good at what I do, I can reach kids, and speak to them in a way some other teachers cannot fathom. I know that I am a good person, that I see things differently than other people... most other people... I just don't think I have an outlet for me...
Something that will make it easier to see me the way God see's me... or even the way other people see me. I wish I had those goggles... the ones that let you see yourself, your true self... the self that you think no one else notices but it is who you are. I know I'm in this body somewhere, I just need an outlet... something to get what is inside out. Something that makes it easier to get this overflowing, boiling sap of myself poured onto or into another vase like temple. I need to plug myself in... delete... and reload new stuff...

Ever feel like you have so much more to give than you have been giving? That is where I am now... feeling like there is something that I am supposed to be doing and not really getting into the motion... maybe not walking through a door, or not motivating myself to the next level... the next step.
I have never been at a place like this before... and I feel like if I was an artist... a true artist then I would have an outlet; I would have something that would empty me... scrape the sides of the thick batter of myself out and prepare for something new.

just some private, public thoughts
xoxo
Lulu ;)